Hold On
I’m not sure just how the subject came up but I know that once my mom finished explaining, I was in tears. She tried to make sure I understood that death was a natural part of life and would eventually come to all of us. We were on the living room sofa and she had just told me that some day in the future my grandparents would no longer be with us. The mere idea of an existence without any of my abuelos pained me so deeply. I remember sobbing into her lap as she caressed me and spoke gently to comfort me and attempt to repair the situation. The same sofa where Abuela Dulce helped pull the wasps out of my head after my childhood friend Derek woke the nest and released an angry swarm. It was also the same sofa I had slept on after literally kicking my Tita out of my full sized bed we shared while she visited. Again, on the same sofa I would sit and listen to stories from my Abuelo Conrado or wait to see if his daily lotto ticket was his big winner at last. Years later the sofa had been changed many times over but the spot would be the same and I would watch as my father in law danced along to a karaoke performance of Rod Stewart. Those were the grandparents, mine and my children’s, I feared to lose and eventually would just as my mom had promised.
My first experience of loss happened in my high school years. A friend’s big sister had her license and drove us to school in the mornings. It felt pretty cool getting a ride to Mt. Carmel High School from an older kid, it was definitely a nice break from riding the school bus. One day we got the awful news that my friend’s sister had lost her life in a terrible car accident. I experienced so many feelings but the level of shock and disbelief felt very unfamiliar. My cousin, Gary volunteered to drive me to the service as it would take place on a weekday morning while my parents worked. I remember feeling comforted by him being there with me and giving me his brotherly talks. He somehow always had advice for me and unfortunately when it came to loss he had already suffered so much. Gary had lost his big brother in a senseless act of gun violence, a cousin I never got the chance to know. One moment that would rob his family and mine of a whole future life’s worth of milestones while simultaneously granting the absence and unwelcome experience with this subject. I always remember the care and sensitivity shared with me during this time and my first funeral.
Close to ten years later My Abuela Dulce was getting ready to leave her body here on earth and suddenly it seemed I had no prior experience because I was in a panic. I forced myself to leave the hospital for a much needed shower only to get the call within the half hour that my abuela had passed. I raced back and joined the family in the hospital hallway. I remember not being able to control myself and the crying came with waves of despair and gasps for air. My Tio Alex said something about getting someone to calm me down. I felt ashamed and bad about the display. I didn’t want to make things harder for my tio, tias and my mom but I couldn’t help it. Once the funeral day arrived, I sat near the very front at her service having previously given myself a pep talk not to let myself get too upset. I told myself to keep my emotions in check so as to not distract from the priest and his words and all the other family members also in mourning. I was somewhat able to contain the shakes and noises but I remember it was real work to keep quiet and the tears didn’t slow down no matter how hard I tried. So there I was, heartbroken and sure enough the priest did notice. He decided to address me in a compassionate manner and mentioned that I had a very big heart. I remember feeling grateful that he understood and acknowledged that I was only physically displaying what I couldn’t bottle up. It was the love we were all there to announce, share, remember together. Dulce Maria, an abuela, a mother, a wife, grandmother, friend, a storyteller, a survivor. I would never sit with her at her table in her apartment again, she would not be there at my upcoming wedding only three months away. The emotions were too big and hard to contain.
When Tita slipped away from us, I was at work and got the call to come home. Her body was still in my parent’s home and I got to see her before they came to take her away. Tita was my feisty, firecracker abuela and I would miss her terribly. I thought maybe I would be better this time because this would no longer be the loss of a first grandparent. It didn’t seem to translate as easier, I got upset with family friends who laughed during the viewing at the funeral home and I cried myself to sleep for weeks after she left us. Maria Luisa, another matriarch gone, why did they have to leave us? It did get easier after Tita. When Abuelo Conrado passed, I made it in time to be present in the room, together with family as we surrounded him in a circle of hands held like some sort of exit tunnel of love and peace. I remember on his nightstand was a heart shaped picture frame of my first and only child’s (at the time) baby picture. There was something so beautiful about being there together as he transitioned over to what I hoped was another side free of pain or hardships.
Having finally had the experience of losing someone without letting it consume me in such a long stage of grief and sadness I wondered had parenthood finally helped to mature me? Was the fact that I was able to physically be present in the passing the key to a healthy closure? Unfortunately, there have been many more tough losses and I have reached an age where they only come more often and offer no signs of slowing. I have tried to take lessons from the losses and grow stronger without losing the soft side. I watch and often struggle with the difficult effects grief can have on a family. Such complicated feelings and the responses from loved ones are so often hard to navigate and get through without collateral damage. It is important to remember that when our loved ones are grieving each person, even if sharing in the mourning phase will have their own journey. Someone might be stuck in anger longer than another but that doesn’t mean the loss has been any less impactful. Similarly, the funerals, services and celebrations themselves may look very different but all share in the most important similarities. Love and honoring the deceased and the memories we share with them. Having married into an Irish Catholic family, I was not prepared for my first wake and funeral experience. See, I’m not saying only the Irish know how to celebrate a life well lived but they definitely get to that part in a timelier manner. My side of the family is all quiet or in tears until the cemetery is behind us. My new family is all loud stories and laughter from the start. Have you heard the Irish song, ‘Finnegan’s Wake’? Kind of like that. It took me a bit to get used to but soon enough I learned there is no right or wrong way. It was back at my husband’s grandfather’s house after his funeral that I sang ‘To Sir With Love’ in front of a room full of all the most amazing people that let me share in an enormous loss. Pa was a man I felt blessed to have known and who made me feel loved and welcomed into this big and beautiful family from the first time we met. When the time came for us to say goodbye to Nanny, my husband’s grandmother, there wasn’t enough room at the church. Her personality and laughter took up so much space and generated so much energy and light, I wondered how empty the neighborhood would feel. On the drive to the funeral home, my husband and his cousin Patti rode in a very rare silence, especially when the three of us were together. Patti is one of the most fun people to be with and time spent with her is guaranteed to be rolling laughter. As we pulled into the parking lot of the Denis S. O’Connor funeral home, we broke the silence with a line acknowledging that at least Nanny and Pa were in Heaven together again and that means they are happy so we should be too. With the end of the sentence the radio just like magic started to play the song ‘Reunited’ by Peaches & Herb. We all started laughing and the tears turned to happy ones, it truly felt like a message that we were right and they were together. Many years later my husband would ask me to sing it again at our Uncle Johnny’s funeral and I gave it my best attempt but the knot in my throat felt too large and this loss felt too great and unfair to finish all the way through. Now we are blessed with his first grandson who shares his name as part of his and he has more eager family members than any one baby can hope for to share stories of the legacy that was his namesake.
Music plays an important part in my grief process. Whether its the singing of the song ‘Amor Eterno’ with a room packed full of tios, primos, and the rest of the familia, singing ‘To Sir With Love’ to say a tearful goodbye to a true gentleman in front of the family you were lucky to marry into, laughing as you get the message from Nanny and Pa that they are ‘Reunited’ “and it feels so good”, any time Billy Idol comes on and you can smile instead of cry thinking of your friend Chris Carr and how he left too soon, a whole playlist you made for Kellster or Joefish, especially every St. Patrick’s Day when your husband keeps the tradition alive singing ‘Four Green Fields’ like he always did with his father at his side. Recently Madison Cunningham released her latest album, Revealer. The entire album is beautiful but track number 5, ‘Life According to Raechel’ will rip your heart out. The first time I heard it I bawled, no exaggeration. I had to listen over and over the first weekend. I played it for everyone and shared it on my instagram account and received messages confirming its’ moving powers. I was lucky to have witnessed Madison Cunningham and her band live in Los Angeles exactly one month ago. I truly believed that I would be fine for the performance of this song as I had listened so often that I had gotten to a point where I was no longer a puddled mess of tears afterwards. I was wrong. The performance was almost out of body. It seemed every single person in her audience at The Regent Theater that night held their breath as to not disrupt or distract from the beauty and depth of the shared moment. If you have yet to hear this song, it is a must remedy situation for you. Listen to the song, the album, watch the Tiny Desk concert on NPR Music YouTube page, whatever it takes but wait until you are ready for the emotional experience.
One thing is for certain, we all share in this common experience of losing a loved one at some point or another. Our human connection in shared loss and new life and the continuous ups and downs, highs and lows. The intense feelings we feel after losing a loved one whether they be sadness, confusion, guilt, anger, despair, relief. Hopefully we make it to the point of acceptance, honoring and gratitude. When we lost my father-in-law, I wrote in a post, ‘There’s no way to feel grief like this had we not loved so deeply. For that, we remind ourselves how very lucky we are to have had this wonderful man for our father, grandfather, brother, uncle, friend and what he loved most, a devoted husband.’ I will remind myself of this again and again, the pain of loss means I was lucky to have loved and to hold on to the gratitude and the memories.
Chemtrails - Lizzie McAlpine
October Sky - Yebba
Life According to Rachel -Madison Cunningham
Stars - Grace Potter & The Nocturnals
To Sir With Love - Lulu
Amor Eterno - Rocio Dúrcal
Four Green Fields -The Clancy Brothers & Tommy Maken
Lullabye (Goodnight, My Angel) - Billy Joel
Bigger Than The Whole Sky - Taylor Swift
Nothing Compars to You - Sinéad O’Connor
These Three Words - Stevie Wonder
Jesus to a Child - George Michael
I Will Follow You Into Into the Dark - Death Cab for Cutie
This Time Tomorrow - Brandi Carlile
Beloved - Mumford & Sons
The Lion - Benjamin Scheuer
Angel Flying Too Close to the Ground - Willie Nelson
Fire and Rain - James Taylor
Feel You Here - Melissa Polisario, Nikki Leontief & Aston Turr
Reunited - Peaches & Herb
I Will Remember You - Sarah McLachlan
Let It Be - The Beatles
To listen to the playlist I have created with this blogpost in mind, hit the link below.
